


The Habit of Loving You

by azhawritesreylo



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idiots in Love, Male-Female Friendship, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, Secret Crush, Short & Sweet, Slow Burn, Songfic, where rey and ben are secretly in love with each other but everyone knows except them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23865163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azhawritesreylo/pseuds/azhawritesreylo
Summary: A story in four parts about friends trying not to fall for each other, falling apart, and falling back together. Based on quotes by F. Scott Fitzgerald and a Reylo Prompt where "Ben and Rey are friends who have feelings for each other but don’t want to ruin their friendship so they always set each other up on dates."This is what happens when one of them gets into a serious relationship.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. BEFORE

**Author's Note:**

> 'I've formed the habit of liking you.' -F. Scott Fitzgerald

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

If someone told Rey Dune that she would be good friends with Ben Solo ten years ago, she would’ve smacked their mouth and not speak to them for days.

They didn’t like each other very much when they met. Well, she didn’t. Ben had always been indifferent to people. Rey understood later on that the masks people wear aren’t always made with intricate designs like the ones they make on Halloween, but rather it was something they wore everyday without anybody noticing. But she did. She noticed fairly quickly that Ben acted the way he did to prevent himself from getting hurt. From what, she still doesn’t know. But since then, she’s been more open in getting to know him better.

And what do you know...a decade later, she’s even fallen in love with him.

“What’re you having, bud?” Poe asks him as they pull over to a drive-thru with pink neon lights and a sleepy cashier.

It’s Rey that replies. “Large side of fries, a vanilla milkshake, and a double cheeseburger, no pickles.”

“I was asking  _ him _ ,” Poe says pointedly.

“No, no,” Ben mutters. “She’s got it right.”

“Yes!” She winks at Finn who was staring at her with disbelief and a scrunched up nose as if he smelled something funny. “I’ll have the same one please,” she says. “But make it chocolate and add extra pickles.”

They were cramped in the Solos minivan. Poe was in the driver seat, of course (lucky bastard). Rose sat in front between him and Finn, and Ben had his long legs stretched out in the seat behind Rey. Every available space was covered with casseroles, bags, and other unnecessary equipment. 

“You take too much space,” she tells him as he flips through a magazine.

“You don’t take enough,” he replies, eyes still glued on the pictures. 

“What’re you looking at anyway?” She demanded, trying to sneak a peek. “Are you looking for models to jerk off to later?”

The response in the car was simultaneous and loud. 

“EW, REY!”

“Watch your mouth!”

“Even  _ I _ wouldn’t have said that aloud!”

“I don’t want to hear about this when we’re about to  _ eat _ !”

But Ben stayed quiet, stifling a winning smile.

She groans. 

“How long till we get to the lake?” She demanded after a short while. Rey was one for keeping schedules despite her inability to be on time for anything. 

“If you take a nap, it’ll go faster,” Ben says under his breath.

“Am I annoying you?” She knew she was.

Finally, he looks up from his reading glasses. Steely eyes in a bored gaze and an inquisitive brow challenged her, but she didn’t back down. Ben didn’t say anything for a moment, then he returned to his magazine. 

“You’re far from annoying,” he replies. 

Rey smiles.

“You’re  _ infuriating _ .”

She knows how he’s teasing and hits him with her star-shaped pillow before stuffing her mouth with the food Finn hands over to her. She passes the bag to Ben carefully, knowing how he is with keeping the car seats clean. They ate on the road, every one of them busy with their first meal of the day. 

Half an hour and two milkshakes later, Rey’s snores became so loud that they turned off the radio because it didn’t stand a chance against her.

“How will we make that girl stop?” Poe demanded, both hands firmly gripping the wheel.

Finn offered him some earplugs. 

“I don’t think it works!” Rose interjects loudly. “I have them in but I can still hear it!”

“Ben, do something!” Poe pleaded. 

With that, he moves at his own pace and analyzes her. She had one arm slung over her head and the other on top of her stomach. Her cheeks looked full but with the way she was snoring implied otherwise. He tried not to smile, in fear Poe would catch him in the rearview mirror. He would never hear the end of it.

Ben takes the pillow she hit him with earlier and put it gently underneath her head. Like magic, the snoring stops and he slides down on his seat again, resuming his read. 

The lake was empty when they arrived. It was nearly dawn and the shades of green and gray rippled on the surface of the dark waters. The air was subtle, seeping into their clothes, and shaking their bones awake. Every year they go here instead of the beach (with Ben and Rey’s distaste for an overabundance of sand), and they know better than anyone that the cold can numb them enough to drown. Still, the sight of this little private paradise always makes them want to shatter the deafening silence with their screeches.

“Last one grills the fish!” Finn yells as he takes off running, followed by Poe and Rose, the lot of them still fully clothed.

Rey looked at Ben before she raced towards the water. He was always the last one in anyway, always hesitating to take the leap. But Rey didn’t jump, not yet. She waited. 

She always waited. 

“Come on,” she urged. “You’re going in sooner or later,” she said. “Might as well do it with me. Then we can grill the fish together, yeah?”

Ben sometimes didn’t understand what fills her with such optimism and patience, and what it takes to lose it. He’s always felt a little dim, a little down. There was happiness, maybe, when he was young. He was familiar with it. But constant happiness? That was an idea. It was a state of mind that he couldn’t tap into it no matter how hard he tried. And yet it came so easy to her. It was almost daunting how simple it was; to watch her spill with that careless laughter and her bright little smile. 

Looking at her, standing on the end of that slab of rock, made him think he can watch her forever. He wanted to be in her eyes for as long as he was able, for as long as he was wanted. He decided that today, he didn't want to resist it. 

Ben comes towards her, takes off his black sweater, and takes her hand. 

Together, they take the leap. 


	2. AFTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He saw her before he saw anything else in the room. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ben anticipated the weekend like he never had before. 

The past year nearly killed him, but this weekend should change the next one that follows. He would explain, and tell her the things he couldn’t say before. He’s never been good with words, never one for feeling or sentimentality. But if there’s anything he’s learned from losing his mother, it’s that he shouldn’t wait so long to tell someone how you feel. 

The lake was a bit farther than he remembered. Maybe it’s because they’ve decided to travel separately and this is the first time he’s actually driving there himself. Maybe it’s because after all these years, he couldn’t wait anymore. 

Rose’s orange beetle sat at the end of the drive, right next to Poe’s new truck. He stops and turns off the engine, grabbing the bag at the back before getting out. Ben jogs quickly down the path, trying to find them. Three figures sat on the rock, still dry. They were waiting for her too. Or him.

_ Where is she? _ He wondered.

Just then, Rose turns and sees him. She waves enthusiastically.

“Ben!” She stands up and meets him up the steps, wrapping her arms around him immediately. “It’s been so long!”

“We were worried you weren’t coming,” Finn says and greets him with a half hug.

Poe was suddenly there too, putting an arm around his shoulder. “What’d I tell you? Didn’t I tell you he wasn’t going to miss this one?”

It was Poe that gave him the directions.

“Where’s Rey?” He asked now, unable to keep it in.

The three didn’t hide their surprise.

“You missed her, didn’t you?” Finn teases.

“She’s coming,” Poe reassured him, ignoring Finn. “You know how she’s always late unless we pick her up.”

That was true. 

And then, there was a squeaky and overly annoying horn sounding off from the driveway.

“That’s her,” and Rose was off, running towards the cars.

“Still driving under twenty, I guess,” Ben noted, making the two men laugh. 

Then he sees her.

She wore white, and not just a shirt but like a fancy blouse, and a pair of khakis (also white) that ended just above her knees. This was a far cry from her jean shorts and casual tees. She was even wearing these big sunglasses despite the lack of sun. It was still half an hour till sunrise

“Is she on a date?” Ben thought to tease.

They suddenly went quiet.

“What?” He asked, when he felt the mood shift, and just as he turned back to watch Rey hug Rose, he saw another figure coming up behind her. “Is that…?”

Thanisson. 

_ She  _ is _ on a date _ , he realized. His heart sank. He was afraid words would choke him now if he spoke so he stayed quiet. The world moved around him like he was a statue and he found himself going about too, moving automatically when touched or spoken to. Soon, they were shaking hands, and Rey was wrapping her arms around him. 

Still his mind reeled.

He’d set her up with Thanisson over a year ago. The boy worked in his department, barely a regular employee, but he was polite and efficient. Ben thought he would be great for Rey. He really did. 

He just didn’t think it would last this long. 

“Should we set up?” She asks the group, grinning widely and moving away from him now. 

Despite her welcoming embrace, she didn’t look at him. Not even a glance or a quick smile went his way and soon he was standing alone on the rock, trying to uproot himself from the spot. 

They didn’t jump in the water as a starter this year. Instead, they opted for a warm breakfast first. They always drove by an old diner before coming here so this was a change of pace. They had to eat, talk a while. Catch up. Rose was more than interested in everyone’s stories.

“I’ve been cooped up trying to finish my plates!” She groans in between chomping on a blueberry bagel Rey brought with her. “Grad school is hard, man.”

“But you’re close to getting that degree!” Finn says, cheering her on. “You go, mate.”

“How are things with Zorii?” Rey asks Poe. “Still hasn’t left you, has she?”

Poe throws a fry over her head. “She’s pregnant, I’ll have you know.”

There was a nanosecond of shock and then the collective howling. 

“That’s fantastic!”

“Oh my god, I’m going to be a godmother!”

“Are you sure you’re the dad?”

“God save Zorii.”

“Alright, alright!” Poe laughs. “She’s due in September. And I would really appreciate it if you losers would be there when the baby comes.”

“Of course we would,” Finn tells him, and they all uttered an agreement. Except for Rey. 

“How ‘bout you, Rey?” Poe asks. “Don’t tell me you need a raincheck on that.” He was kidding, but you could tell he’d be offended if she actually did.

“Is there anything you need to tell us?” Finn teases, seemingly in the know.

Rey leans on Thanisson, murmuring something in his ear, and giggles.

“That’s just rude,” Rose says, throwing another fry at her. “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant too! I don’t have the dough to buy two baby gifts, you know.”

Ben held his breath.

“No!” Rey replies, and he sighs in relief, making him catch her eye. She clears her throat and drops her gaze. 

“What is it, then?” Finn demanded. “Come on, we’re all ears.”

When she looked up, she was smiling. But it didn’t reach her eyes. It seemed that way to Ben anyway. Then she took a breath and pulled out her left hand.

“We’re getting married!”

This too was followed by hoots and howls of celebration. But Ben kept still, at a loss. 

_ What was it? _ He thought, trying to remember. There was this quote from  _ The Great Gatsby _ that itched in the back of his mind, pushing itself to the surface.

_ Ah. _ He recalled now. It said, ‘the loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole life fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.’

“Well,” she went on. “There’s also this little project I’ll be working on this year so I don’t know if I’ll be in town by September. But I  _ will _ try to make it and I promise to keep you guys posted on  _ everything _ .”

“You got in that movie, didn’t you!” Rose squealed in excitement. 

“We’re so proud of you, babe,” Thanisson added, speaking for all of them. 

Their voices blended in together, continuing a conversation without him. Sounds of their laughter were muffled in his ears until he went so deep in himself that he finally found peace.

“Ben?”

He looked up and all she could see were those big dark eyes, haunted and alone. He had always been a little sad, but this felt different. Rey resisted the urge to wrap her arms around him and burrow herself in his neck. It shouldn’t concern her what troubled him now and she couldn’t assume this was her doing. He made it clear once before that she doesn’t have that effect on him. 

Still, she stayed.

“I’m really sorry,” she says. “About your mom…”

Rey didn’t know she was sick, let alone dying, and she made sure she didn’t get into his business. Not after the last time they talked. She had left for Cambodia after that for volunteer work. When she returned, they already had the funeral and she couldn’t reach Ben. 

He only nodded and turned away, looking at their friends who were now enjoying a swim.

“What have  _ you _ been up to? You never said,” she prompted. “Are you still seeing Kaydel?”

Ben scoffed, a smirk playing on his lips. “She left me the day after the funeral.”

“Oh.” Rey mentally crossed off Kaydel’s name in her list and tried not to react so much. 

She was pissed, of course. She was his friend. But she wasn’t the one who got dumped. Out of all the things she’s learned about herself from his observations, it’s that she gets too much into other people’s business. Rey tried not to do that now. 

“Well,” and she sighs with a heavy weight on her heart. “Plenty of fish in the sea, right?”

Again, he nodded. “That’s what I keep telling myself now.”

They didn’t say anything for a while and Rey could feel herself slipping. It was hard to see him this way, but it was harder to think that she could make a difference. She stands up, rather abruptly, startling them both. 

“I’m just going to—” but she trails off, pointing in a vague direction.

Then Ben asks her. “Are you happy?”

“What?” Rey wasn’t sure she heard him right.

“Are you happy?” He repeats. “With Thanisson.”

It was a simple question. But complicated answers always come from simple questions. She opened her mouth to reply but nothing came out. Of course she was happy. There was a certain lightness in being with someone who wanted your company. Thanisson was an easy person to love. She cared for him greatly. They flirted unceremoniously and understood each other like two peas in a pod. They didn’t have much in common, but they respected one another. Thanisson could read her like a book. Then again, anyone can. She was very open with everyone she was comfortable with. 

Maybe she was too comfortable now. 

_ ‘But comfortable isn’t vulnerable,’ _ she thought. It was something Finn always said. You have to find the person you can be vulnerable with, not just comfortable. Comfort can be given by strangers but you can’t give vulnerability to strangers. 

Rey doesn’t think she’s ever cried in front of Thanisson before. 

She looks at Ben now, suddenly angry, and she heaves a heavy sigh just to pacify it a little. He didn’t have the right to ask her that now, did he? He shouldn’t. They were friends. They  _ are, _ despite actively ignoring each other the last couple of months. But the question requires so much intimacy now, and Rey didn’t want to let him get that close again.

“I am,” she replies nearly in mere defiance. “I am,” she tries again, calmer this time.

And when he dropped his gaze, that anger inside her was immediately replaced with dread. That night flashes back to her and she does all she can not to turn away and run. 

There’s this short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald that she hated, but being here now, this one line comes back to her as if being here was not enough to drown her in her feelings. 

> _ Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be. _


	3. IN BETWEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Kaydel had begged her to be introduced to him.

Rey was hardly going to say no. After all, she aims to please (or so Ben always said). Sometimes she wishes it wasn’t true. Rey wasn’t going to lie though; they looked cute together. They were the right height. Kaydel had that shine in her hair that her usual dirty blonde mane didn’t have, a perfect contrast to Ben’s dark wavy locks. She looked like the sun incarnate, and him the night sky. 

He seemed shy (he’s always shy), but he was smiling with his eyes down as if he’s talking to his crotch. It was cute. 

They talked in hushed voices already, as if they were the oldest friends. Their flirtations were rather outdated but Ben looked comfortable. He was always comfortable with the quiet. Rey called the waitress to order another mug of tea, busying herself with her e-books and trying to block out what seemed to be a successful match. It was a ridiculous idea to play the chauffeur, she knew. These were two consenting adults who do not need her here. Clearly. Rey felt a tug underneath the table, hitting her leg.

_ Are they playing footsie? _

She suddenly wanted to scream. Instead, she kicks it back (regardless of who it belongs to) and Ben yelps.

“What happened?” Kaydel asked, worried.

“Nothing,” he muttered through gritted teeth. Then he darted Rey a look across the table.

A signal. 

_ Oh _ . 

Maybe the foot thing would’ve been more subtle if she hadn’t kicked him. 

Rey shoots off a quick call to his cell before putting it in her pocket and he answers in the first ring. “Real subtle,” she mouthed at him while Kaydel fussed, looking under the table.

Ben pretended to talk rapidly, throwing ‘uh-huh’ and ‘oh no’ interchangeably. Then he puts his phone away and keeps his eyes on Rey. “It’s Poe.”

“What happened?”

“Zorii left him.”

“WHAT?” Rey made sure to reach another decibel with that.

Kaydel looked lost. “What’s happening now?”

“Sorry,” Ben says. “Really, I am. But Rey and I have to go. It’s an emergency.”

“Our friend—” she started to say but moved on quickly so as not to finish that sentence at all. “He’ll call you!” She shouts from the door, her shadow a six-foot three wimp trying to bail on a date by a fake emergency call.

The moment they were inside his car, they started laughing. 

“That is the meanest thing you have ever done!” He tells her. 

“Me?” She demanded. “You’re the one who wanted an escape route.”

“And you provided me with a passable out, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.” He backed the car just as it started pouring. Then he screeched off to the main road. 

“She’s really nice though,” she says now, listening to the rhythm of the wipers. “You should at least give her a proper chance. She  _ bugged _ me with this date. Wouldn’t leave me alone, even in the loo, just so she could meet you.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” he replies dryly. 

“Why, indeed?” Rey laughs. “You’re by far the least appealing person in my friend group.”

Ben ruffled up her hair, making her groan.

“You’re so exasperating!”

“Big words there, kid,” he teases. “Do you still need a ride to your audition?”

She shrugs, instantly quiet. He didn’t see but he could hear the silence. Ben had an inkling of what it meant, interpreting non-words more easily than he does with actual words.

“Rey?”

“Heh…” 

“So?”

Rey grumbled. “I don’t know if I should even go anymore.”

“You’ll get them,” he says, serious now. “It’s always like that. You just have to keep trying and see what sticks.”

“Yeah but—”

“But what?”

Ben was so familiar with it now just by the way she turns in her seat. He can picture her eyes set on him and her brows slightly pulled together. Rey puts on her ‘drama face,’ the one she uses when she’s about to quote a line from a movie.

“I don’t need it to stick.”

_ Now why did that sound so familiar?  _ Ben wondered, beginning to mentally flip through the endless list of movies that used that line. Then he remembered what they were watching while they were on the phone last night. He brightens up, catching on. 

“What do you want from it? Its soul?” He asks, joining the ride. 

“Why not?” She says, faithful to the script, but nearly laughing now. “I deserve that much.”

“God.” Ben breaks character. “Jerry Maguire is so good.”

“I know,” she agrees. “At first, I really didn’t think it was all  _ that _ . I mean, after years of exposure, the last scene was just overrated. But if you really look at the story and the characters...they’re so well-developed. I want that. I want to portray characters that can grab hold of the audience and just transport them even for l an hour or two.”

“See? That’s passion right there,” he tells her. “You’re a storyteller. You just gotta keep going after your dream.”

He liked how she brightened up after hearing that, like she soaked up the sun. He liked encouraging her and being there for her. Ben knew what being a good friend meant, and what it takes to go beyond it. But something always held him up.

He cleared his throat, trying to keep his eyes on the road. “So.”

“Yeah?”

“Since you set me up on a date,” he begins. “Mind if I return the favor?”

“Look,” and she raises her arms in mock surrender. “I was genuinely setting you up with someone I thought would be—”

“Relax!” Ben chuckles. “I’m serious, too. There’s this guy at work that would be perfect for you. He works at my department.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

Rey paused. Then she piped up like she always did when she thinks it’s a good idea. “That’s great. If you’re serious.”

“I’m serious.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

Rey looked out the window. Ben held on to the steering wheel. Their masks were slipping, but they turned away to keep it from showing. 

So Rey went on a date with Thanisson. And it went surprisingly well. They saw each other again after that, but Rey thought it wouldn’t go anywhere. 

“He’s nice,” she relays to Rose one night over the phone. “He’s dedicated, too. He sounds passionate when he talks about his work. Very punctual.”

“Are you dating him or rating him at a job interview?” 

Rey laughs half-heartedly. “He’s fine, Rose. Really, he is.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh please,” Rose says, huffing. “You  _ do _ .”

“I know I do,” and Rey groans. “I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

“Then keep dating the punctual kid,” her friend retorts. “You’ll never move on from the idea that you and Ben are ever getting out of the friendzone if you don’t try. So either keep dating the punk or  _ date Ben _ . One of them is bound to work.”

It would take courage, she knew, but Rose was right. She’ll never know if she doesn’t at least try. She started giving him hints. They were as subtle as a brick to a window but she thought they were effective. It was a usual Saturday, lounging around Poe’s flat in the city. 

“What else do I like in a guy?” She thought aloud, tapping the tip of her pencil to her head. “Probably someone who cooks, right?”

Her friends only murmured in response. Rose was onto her though.

“Is there anyone of us who can actually cook though?” She asks, a bit too on the nose.

“Ben does,” Poe, unsuspecting, points out. “Don’t you, bud?”

“Mm,” he mutters, intent on reading his book about cardiology. 

Rey kept going. “What else?” And then she brightens up. “Oh! Someone who reads!”

Rose scribbled on her pad paper, and showed it to her, plain for everyone to see: 

_ SUM1 READING RYT NOW? _

Rey panicked, throwing the pencil at her. 

Ben groans and leaves the room.

“What’s up with him?” Finn demanded, bothered by the sudden change of mood.

“I don’t know,” Rey says, gazing after him.

That was the problem. She didn’t know. She didn’t know a lot of things at the time. She didn’t know about Ben’s mom. She didn’t know that Ben was working nights to pay for Leia’s treatment and her medication. She didn’t know that timing can be reproachful and mean, and that she was in the middle of something no one of them can fix. 

When he stopped hanging around, she thought it might’ve been her fault. Or if it wasn’t something she did, maybe she could help. Rey only wanted to make him feel okay, so she came to his house that night, hoping for some sort of redemption. 

But what she found there was far from what she was expecting.

Rey didn’t notice (or even recognize) the car parked in the curb. So as soon as the door opened with a half-naked Kaydel standing on the opposite end, she came up completely blank and unable to function. 

“Hon, it’s Rey!” Kaydel had a big smile on her face as if she knew how she looked wearing an oversized white shirt that was obviously from Ben’s closet. Maybe she knows something else. Maybe Ben caught on with her antics and decided he liked Kaydel all along. Maybe they talked about her—

That’s too far. Too absurd. She was being paranoid.

“No, it’s okay,” Rey says, backing away now. “I can drop by some other time. It’s not important.”

Then she took off, as fast as she could, till she was out of air and her lungs felt like it’s been pressed by a flat iron. 

“Rey!” 

Apparently, she didn’t run fast enough.

_ It would be a mistake to turn around, _ she knew and pretended not to hear him.

“Rey!” And she could hear him catching up. “Hold on.”

She didn’t mean to take it out on him but as soon as she whirled around, she felt like growling like a feral animal. “What?”

Ben never showed when you caught him off guard but this seemed to be an exception. He staggers backward a bit and stares at her, a hint of surprise and hurt in his eyes but soon it was gone.

“What?” Rey demanded, losing her resolve. A tear betrays her and she wipes it away. 

He stood there, dumbfounded, probably wondering why she was crying. 

“What?” She asked more quietly now. Her stomach twisted in knots and she was already reprimanding herself for coming over, not to mention tearing up in front of him. It was stupid, even though this was something she wanted to do. 

“Get home safe,” is all he said before he walked back to his house, head bent down and his feet bare. 

It would be an understatement if they said things escalated from there. Rey had a specialty of getting drunk when she didn’t want to be. Imagine the catastrophe when she did. She went out with Rose almost every night, getting free drinks from guys she doesn’t remember in the morning. All that happened to her she looked back on with disbelief. Twenty-one and this was her first real heartbreak. It was pathetic. She could feel all but a decade going down the drain and it didn’t matter because he didn’t like her back. 

“Did you even ask?” Rose demanded when she brought it up.

“Doesn’t matter,” she kept saying. “Kaydel has legs for days.”

Kaydel wasn’t really all that. She wasn’t the superficial model type Rey’s subconscious made her out to be. But in her drunken state, Kaydel might as well be Kendall Jenner. 

She didn’t envy her. Not really. Rey was more jealous of the girl that she was before; clueless and free of heartbreak. The kid that didn’t care much for Ben Solo. But she was gone now. There was no version of this where she would get out unscathed from loving the boy who always wears a black sweater (no matter the occasion).

The nights blurred together, weaving itself in and out of the same pattern: 

They get in a bar. They get drunk. They dance. They drink some more. Then they go home (or she passes out and Rose takes her home). It was a tapestry of neon lights, single men, bad techno music, and alcohol consumption. 

Rose urged her to see Thanisson again but that didn’t sit right with Rey. She didn’t want to use him as a patch for a broken heart. This didn’t even warrant bandages. It was hardly a scar. Why was she crying again?

“That Ben Solo,” she said, hardly slurring her words but unable to comprehend any of them anyway. “You’d think he wasn’t human! He doesn’t seem to have any other feelings than disdain, disappointment, or disorientation!”

Rose laughs at this but egged her on. “Keep talking trash!” She chanted. “Ben Solo, bad!”

“And—and all that bullshit I used to believe in. Good in everyone bullshit. I mean, is he nice? Or is he only  _ playing _ nice? Which one’s real? ARE YOU REAL, BEN SOLO?”

The barstool—she didn’t remember sitting on a barstool—was quite high and the moment she laughed, she swayed with her whole body, sliding off her seat. The world tilted. And then she was caught. 

“I don’t know, Rey,” he said. “I seem pretty real to me.”

She traced the arms holding her up to the face of the man who was either physically here or mentally taunting her. But then she could feel his grip and his warmth and that’s all she needed to know. Ben’s eyes were clouded. Rey found him brimming with—anger? Frustration? Disappointment?

“Annoyance!” She decided, quite loudly. “That’s the word, isn’t it? You’re always annoyed with me.”

“Well,” and he huffs, dragging her by the arm out of the bar. “You’re not exactly my favorite person right now.”

The night (or was it early morning? She can’t tell anymore) was cold and her coat was nowhere to be found. Was it with Rose? She tried not to visibly shake though it chilled her bones, content with the air cooling her sweaty skin. 

“I didn’t invite you,” she pointed out. “I didn’t invite you.”

“Let’s get you home.” He pulled at her again but she resisted him.

“Don’t order me about like I’m some child waiting to be pushed around in a pram.”

“Half of what you just said didn’t make sense to me,” he mutters. “Now let’s go.”

Rey didn’t like how dismissive he was being. She whinged. “I didn’t ask you to be here!” 

“Do you think I  _ want _ to be here?” Ben bellowed, his face contorted with anger. “I have better place to be, Rey!”

“Then  _ why _ ?” She demanded, just as furious. “Why did you come here then?” 

“Why do you think?” He snapped. 

_ What did she think was a good reason? _ Nothing viable came to mind. She shrugged at him. 

“Beats me,” she admits, her voice low enough for a normal conversation. “Half of the things you’re doing doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Because you don’t know  _ anything. _ ”

“Why is that?” Rey wondered aloud. “Oh. That’s right. Because you won’t let me  _ in _ , Ben! You don’t let anybody in!” She felt mad and burst out giggling even though she didn’t find anything funny. “Knock, knock!”

“You’re drunk.”

“Knock, knock, Ben! You’re supposed to answer, aren’t you? Knock, knock!”

He heaves a heavy sigh, staring at her.

She stops then, pissed. Her mind begins to swim in puddles of unwanted thoughts and she loses her balance.

“Alright,” Ben says, coming towards her again. “Let’s get you home.”

Rey shook off his hands. She had him here. When it dawned on her, she doesn’t know, but this was the only time she’ll have with him where she’s not bound by decorum or the complications of her friendship with him. 

“Why did you lie?” She asks.

He doesn’t seem to follow.

“Why did you act like you didn’t like her...and then…?”  _ Fuck her _ , she thought but was unable to say. Even thinking it seemed to have blanketed them both in a suffocating atmosphere.

Ben looks away, as if hearing her thoughts. “You’re drunk,” he says again like this was an excuse to keep him from telling the truth. 

“I’m being honest,” she murmurs. “Why aren’t you?”

“Because,” and he lets out a breath, still looking away. “It’s none of your business.”

“I’m your friend.” Rey’s voice was small as she said this, offering up the information as if it was new. “Ben, I’m your friend.”

“Exactly,” he replies. “You’re my friend. You’re  _ just _ my friend. You can’t obligate me to tell you anything. You meddle and you push. You have no respect for personal space or when to quit. You’re so persistent and you just—” he only stopped because he finally looked at her. He saw the pool of tears in her eyes, the way her lower lips quivered.

She turns away, shaking. 

He sighs, defeated. “Rey—”

She holds her hands up. Even her hands are shaking furiously. 

He sighs, feeling the weight in his chest triple.

Then she started throwing up in the corner and all he could do was pull her hair away from her face and hold it for a while. Ben rubbed her back as she hurled everything she drank that night to the garbage can. When she was done, she straightened up, still unbalanced. Then she looked at him with the saddest eyes.

“I’m cold,” is all she says before passing out.

He seated her on the front seat of his car and managed to put her in his sweater. The car ride over to her apartment was filled with the loudness of his thoughts and the unbearable feeling of dissatisfaction. Words weren’t his strong suit and he meant so much more than what actually came out of his mouth. The weight of regret settled on his shoulders like armor, another one to carry till he’s able to fix this the only way he knows how.

But that was the last time he saw her before everything else fell apart.


	4. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was always you. || I love her, and that’s the beginning and end of everything. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Rey tore down the pictures on the wall, the pages of her script tacked in, and the posters of bands she followed over the years.

Her time to grow up has arrived. It was time to leave the little nest she’d built for herself and venture for a new one. She was finished with the last of her boxes, singing along to the final track of her vinyl record, when he came in through the door.

He slipped in like he would hit a wall, such force coming at high speed. There was a ruckus and his hair was messed up without actually messing the way he looked. In fact, he looked more handsome ruffled up like this. Ben was panting as if he ran here.

“Did you run here?” She asks, incredulous.

He doesn’t say anything, unable to speak as he catches his breath, and simply nods.

“Okay…,” she says a bit unsure. “Take a minute.”

“Thank you,” he managed to say and took a seat on the floor.

“Don’t sit!” Rey tells him in panic, making him pop up like a daisy. “You might pass out,” she explains. “Just…breathe.”

He nods again, hands on his hips, and tries to regain his composure. 

She resumed with her packing, looking around the room for anything else she missed. Her heart was pounding but it was easy to dismiss now. It had been missing for a while, but it flickers like a light bulb every now and then, reminding her that it’s not far away. 

The tiny flat she’s occupied for three years stood neatly despite the pile of her belongings in the middle of the space. There were so many memories here, but they were inconsequential to the memories she’s created in the Solos minivan. She was usually alone here. Whatever happened within these walls was always something she had to bear alone. Now she can leave it forever. Rey hoped that with that, her irrepressible heart.

“What are you doing here?” She asks quietly, gazing around the room instead of him. 

“I never told you,” he said. “Not once.”

“What?”

Ben breathed out. “You annoy me.”

She scoffed, finally looking at him, and smiled. “On the contrary, you did—”

“No,” and he shook his head, taking one little step. “You annoy me to my core. Do you know you have a habit of jumping like a rabbit when you’re excited? I do. You wouldn’t stop jumping when we went to that amusement park in Florida four summers ago, even though we just ate and I told you you’d get that stomach ache.”

“I didn’t listen,” she murmurs, remembering it fondly.

“But no one can stop you gobbling down that mac and cheese, not even me, because in all my years knowing you, I’ve noted that you’re only feral when you’ve not been fed—”

“Why do I sound like a pet?”

“You annoy me when you make sure that you let me know how  _ you _ know  _ everything  _ there is to know about me, even something as trivial as my Starbucks order—”

Rey tries to defend herself this time. “Vanilla sweet cold brew isn’t that hard to memorize!”

He smiles at this but doesn’t stop. “And what do I know about you, Rey?”

“You know plenty.”

He shrugs, barely convinced. “All I know is that you become frustrated when no one tries to explain the instructions on game night. You get quiet as if you’re concentrating so hard to make someone budge.”

“That’s not true,” she says quickly, feeling exposed. “That’s not true because you…you always make sure you give the instructions before every game,” she trails off, looking at him closer now.

One step. “I also know that a cup of tea is only something you drink when you’re really peeved at something—or someone.”

Rey sighs. “Only when I’m really bored,” she replies. “But that’s all the time.”

Ben’s lips turned down, thinking. “Not  _ all _ the time,” he counters. “You once told me at random how you managed not drinking tea for a year, and that was when we started going to the lake.”

“That was a good year,” she noted. 

“That was the year I finished grad school.” He takes a step. “And you helped me distribute the surveys I needed for my defense.”

“I graduated early,” Rey says. “I needed a gig…”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t justify why you stayed out late for a week to complete everything.”

She stops. She never told him that.

“Did you honestly think I would let you roam the streets at night?” He asks her in earnest. “I’m not heartless, Rey,” he says jokingly, but she can see it in his eyes how much he means it. “And I’m not dense either.”

“No,” and she steels herself against the incoming rejection. “You just weren’t interested.”

Ben scoffs, almost bitterly, and stares at her. “You were my friend, Rey.”

“I  _ know. _ ” Her voice betrayed her now, and tears began prickling her eyes. “I’m  _ just _ your friend. We don’t have to rehash this, Ben.”

“I tried,” he tells her. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Rey. I  _ tried _ just being your friend. And I’m sorry that I hurt you in the process. I’m sorry I pushed you away.” He breathes in like this was physically hurting him, and maybe it was. Still he carried on; 

“I’m sorry I was a coward because I couldn’t take that chance. You were the one constant I had in my life and I couldn’t lose you. I didn’t want to have to risk that too.”

“I know what you’re so afraid of,” she replies, looking at him with furrowed brows. “But you must’ve known how I felt—”

“I didn’t,” he interjects. “I didn’t know until Kaydel…until that night.” Ben sighs heavily, recalling everything that happened afterwards. “And even then, I got scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of it falling apart,” he says. “Of ruining our friendship, of me ruining anything good…”

“It fell apart anyway,” she mutters. “All on its own, it still fell apart.”

He nodded. “How much worse it could get, I thought. I was so set on losing you ahead of time that I didn’t do anything to keep you.”

“Well, that’s what we call fulfilling your own prophecy,” she whispers, leaning on the wall next to him.

Her eyes were glued to the floor and her sensible shoes. He didn’t speak and neither did she. For a moment they stood there, side by side, filled with things they wish they could say or could’ve said sooner. 

Rey looks up towards the windows, the dying light of the sunset hitting them just right. “Don’t let me off the hook so fast,” she says, smiling. “You weren’t the only one who was afraid.”

Ben sighs, either in relief or something else Rey couldn’t tell anymore. 

“I didn’t push harder,” she adds. “I can pretend and say I tried. Not when I only did it halfway.”

“You were waiting for me,” he murmurs. “But I didn’t encourage it.”

“Thank god you didn’t,” and she chuckles to herself, feeling her chest constrict with the act and how forced it was. “Or else I’ll be leaving you now, off to a new adventure. Then you’ll be the one waiting for me.”

“Can’t I?” Ben suddenly asks, catching her off guard.

“Can’t you what?”

“Wait for you?” 

Her eyes snap to his. How long had she been waiting for this? A while, she knew. But she wasn’t going to be swayed this easily. 

“We’ll completely disregard my engagement then?” She tried to play it off lightly, but Ben wasn’t buying it. 

“Poe already told me.”

This time, it was Rey who sighs. She should really keep her mouth shut sometimes. “I didn’t do that for you,” she clarifies, looking away. “Thani and I just knew it wasn’t right.”

“I know,” he says but he didn’t sound convinced. In fact, he sounded like he was humoring her. 

“Don’t take that tone with me,” Rey warns, giving him a look. “I didn’t do it for you.”

“I know,” he repeats, trying to be more assuring. 

She groans. “If I annoyed you so much, why did you even—” and then she pauses, unable to say it aloud. Did he like her? Was that true? He never actually said, no. Not those exact words. 

Rey takes a deep breath, trying to shake it out of her system. She was ready to take it back when he replied.

“You grew on me.” Ben stepped away from the wall and towards her again, a little and subtle step as if one stride can scare her away. “And I grew the habit of liking you.” 

One step and he’s right in front of her. 

“It started very early too…if you must know.” 

“Huh. Is that so?” She arched a brow.

He nodded once. “If you look back carefully, you’ll know exactly when.”

“Is there any chance of it stopping soon?” She asks carefully. Quietly.

Ben was close enough to breathe in. “Do you want me to?” He whispers, his hands grazing her arms. 

“Stop and I’ll be twice as annoying for the rest of your life,” she dared. 

Finally, he grins. “Good,” he says, “Because you’re not an easy habit to break, Rey Dune.” He slips his hands around her waist and pulls her close but it’s her who seals the deal. 

“About damn time, Solo,” she whispers against his lips.

He only laughs, but it was undoubtedly of relief.

If someone told Ben Solo that he would get together with Rey Dune ten months ago, he would’ve never believed them. Things had gotten from bad to worse, and he had abandoned the possibility of ever telling her exactly how he feels, of ever reaching this point. Yet here he is, holding the sun in his arms as his life revolved around her, and he was filled with nothing but hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was entertaining! I wanted to dive more into details and really flesh out these characters as well as the story itself but I had to keep it short due to earlier commitment to another fic I'm still writing. Even though these were only four parts with lots of time jumps, I wish the message came across because this is something really close to my heart: stay hopeful in love.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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